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We’ve just completed our second week of this 2007 Trainer Training programme. As you can imagine loads of learning has emerged from this experience at so many levels: Learner, Trainer, NLP Trainer, and NLP Learner. And there’s more to come.

The fact that learning can be an emotional process was the starting point of one review conversation. Then the awareness that learning NLP can be an additional emotional process, which can make it a double stretch for any learner and add to levels of stress. This might be ‘just’ an individual problem, or emanate out and become a group concern. Whichever, the trainer needs to be on the look out for wobbles, and to make the call regarding offering a 1:1 intervention or addressing the needs of the group as a whole.

Talk moved on to the notion of sponsorship, as offered by Steve Gilligan; namely to respond to the prevailing mood by moving between being tender, being fierce and/or being playful. There is a time for being tough if the group or individual is being wimpy. Conversely if the group or individual is being hard on itself, then a bit of softening is needed. And if it is all getting too serious, a light touch and a lob of humour can make all the difference.

The conversation then took an even more interesting turn. People recognised that they had a preference out of the three, with the notion of being fierce being most difficult – and kindness being the most accessible. This led to quite a discussion about the nature of Gilligan’s fierceness. For one it seemed like the ultimate last resort – “I’ve been nice. I’ve been funny. Now I’m pissed off!”

But the key piece emerged – “Where does your attention have to be for this to work – on the learner or on the trainer?” which in turn generated the following model. See what you think.

Tenderness

• Attention on Self/Trainer
  Faced with a stuck learner, who may be thwarting our best efforts, or resisting the offer of our hard earned map, tenderness turned onto oneself can quickly spiral into self pity with the common companions of resentment or martyrdom. “How come I get these people? How can they be so ungrateful after all the work I’ve done for them?” The instinctive outcome can then be to find a way to feel better, often at the expense of the learner.

• Attention on Other/Learner
  Here you are offering the Learner the nurturing that he is unable to offer himself. As is oft quoted “If we spoke to our friends the way we talk to ourselves, we’d have no friends.” So your desire is for him to recognise, for example, that failure is only feedback, that he was doing his best etc etc. This would not be the appropriate response if he was feeling sorry for himself and descending into hopeless, helpless, or hapless.

Fierceness

• Attention on Self/Trainer
  If the Trainer is drawing on her own fierceness as a means of managing a situation, then such strength could manifest itself as bullying.

  Trainers are eminently poised to be excellent bullies without it being generally recognised. The Trainer is supposedly in control of content, procedures, movement and positioning, favour and rewards, and possibly ultimately certification. The Trainer wields an awesome level of power – which is why it is absolutely essential that she recognises when this use is for the benefit and aggrandisement of herself at the expense of a Learner.

• Attention on Other/Learner
  When the trainer focuses on her Learners, then this fierceness can be a tremendous and powerful resource for the individuals.

  A Trainer who is determined that her Learners overcome ingrained patterns of fear, hopelessness, low motivation, lack of confidence can provide that cajoling and encouragement, the reframes and pacing statements which resource and can reconnect the stated outcome.

  Once the Learner is back in charge of their learning motivation, the Trainer backs off, and it’s business as usual.

• Attention on Self/Trainer
  Humour for a Trainer can win and lose learners. It needs to be a finely tuned instrument. Timing and context is everything, with a need for great audience awareness. Handy Hint 53: Check out the sell by dates of the references involved.

  When the Trainer’s focus is inward, following her own train of thought and connections, the passing joke and quip can become a self indulgence, leaving the group confused and adrift from her planet. There is no better way to lose rapport than to offer something ‘funny’ that nobody laughs at. This self centred playfulness can be redeemed, if she then paces the group by recognising how much that little intervention backfired!

  Playfulness can also risk losing rapport when it can be construed as being flippant or trivialising the situation. Gallows humour only works when the culture has given its consent.

• Attention on Other/Learner
  Humour is a fantastic resource for lightening the mood of the group.

  The Trainer may want to enable the group to become more resourceful if for example it is becoming infected with insecurity or nervousness. This can often happen after a powerful demonstration - or any conversation to do with assessment. Alternatively an interminable discussion may have gone past its sell by date. Time for the joke!

  This can be from a store of guaranteed winners, or responding in the moment. A running gag is always a useful standby. Your approach here gives the individuals permission to lighten their mood and move on.

Fran Burgess
31 May 2007