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Belonging .... ?
For some time now I have been pondering on the question of Belonging. How do we know we Belong? How do we get a sense of Belonging? What tells us we don’t Belong? And does any of it matter? When I raised these thoughts in our current Practitioner training, the idea provoked a strong range of responses, and certainly struck a chord. At the point of writing this, I have no definite answers – none which take me to a new level of understanding at any rate. As you’ll see, I have attempted to self-model using David Gordon’s array which has distilled some of my thinking and experience. However I know this is not even ‘an answer’ since I feel there may be much more lurking below the surface. This article is the result of my current musings. I invite you to complete your own Behavioural Array, and also complete the attached questionnaire. Please add your 10p’s worth to the pot. Who knows where this will lead to. Enlightenment? A release from spiritual dissatisfaction? From scanning my experiences for times when I have felt I belonged, and when I didn’t, I realise that more often as not, not-belonging has been the order of the day – hence this article. Looking back, this has had its advantages. Not-belonging to the Youth Club crowd meant I avoided marrying the first boyfriend and working locally and took me to University. Not-belonging to the limited morality of the Record Industry lead me to a self imposed sabbatical and then into the world of training. Not-belonging to the Further Education mindset led me to set up my own training company. Yet this not-belonging has left me feeling disconnected and more often outside than in. I will always be an incomer here in Whalley, East Lancashire, although I am a part of my street. I will never be fully comfortable with the polite mores of the ‘county set’, although on an individual level I have some strong friendships. I will forever be proudly and deeply Scottish, despite living longer south of the border. Because this disconnection is the norm, the moments of real belonging come through powerfully. Finding Home, ET style, is good – be it a physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual home. In fact, I suspect that real sense of belonging is a blessed combination of all four. As I grew to understand the force of NLP, after fairly extensive previous explorations, I knew I had found a philosophy and practice which felt right for me. It heralded the possibility that through NLP I could become more of Me. The process of sitting in the room with fellow NLP Training Providers, sharing the same passion for integrity and quality, as we found a way to form The Professional Guild of NLP, revealed my deep awareness that these people were part of my mental and spiritual family. We have differences; however we aspire for the same outcomes. Standing in the midst of our growing community of Learners at Station House, frequently gives me a sense of being in the right place, doing the right thing, with the right people. Working through David and Graham’s Array model revealed the inconsistencies and anomalies, whilst supporting my own experiences. David offered that there are usually three or four components which stand out as essential. Curiously, my entries in the Contributing Factors are stimulating the most comment. Am I alone in thinking that there are people who naturally feel at home, wherever they go? You’ve met them on holiday at home even though they flew in yesterday; newcomers to the street who have met everyone and know the low down on all; employees who seem to have been in the office for ever and not just a couple of months. Are these people naturally clubbable? What beliefs do they run about the world and their place in it? Whilst there are others like me, who have an innate predisposition to be different, irrespective of where I am, marching to a different drum. Where has this legacy come from? I confess to having a hankering to the thought that I arrived in this world already disjointed. I also question the transitional nature of belonging. How is it that some can be the life and soul of the group, family, or community and a couple of years/decades later, that communion is a distant memory? I suspect it is down to the spiritual needfulness of the moment. There have been occasions when I have felt the stress of living on the periphery, then deliberately, in good ‘agony aunt’ fashion, joined a club, to gain temporary emotional relief through this artificial accommodation. Conversely, at times when I have felt on a roll along Destiny’s path, I have no need to gain extra energy from the outside world – as my friends have found to their cost. Then there is the quixotic nature of belonging by association. How many of you when in foreign parts, have delighted to hear the sound of a British voice, only to be appalled when a horde of fellow countrymen arrives over the horizon. The ex-pat mindset can be an anathema to some, and a boon to others. I remember at Santa Cruz, there was a small contingent of Brits - well actually more accurately, English - there as well. These intrepid colonialists banded together and presented a united front. I have to say I put significant distance between me and most of them, preferring to align with the free spirits of other individuals. And what about the unseen layers of distinction which aren’t immediately apparent to the uninitiated? You would think that an interest in golf or sailing would instantly render you a member of a specific community. Well we all know that there golf clubs and The Golf Club, yacht clubs and The Yacht Club. Then there are the more subtle distinctions of whether you are pursuing this activity as a recreation, as a job, or as a vocation. Being a keen amateur or a respected professional opens very different doors. Sailing for a living is a different kettle of fish, than fitting this in with your job in the City, unless you are Ellen McArthur. The more distinctions I make, the smaller the club I belong to. Allowing myself merely to belong to the human race might be a good strategy. This takes me onto the question of what you are belonging to. Partner Derek suggests that the unifying factor has to be at a higher logical level than the area of connection. Being part of the group outside the school gates, waiting for respective 5 year olds, doesn’t automatically create a sense of belonging with those present. However, recognising the frantic juggling of a fellow ‘career + home’ mum; responding to the call for better school meals; spotting a co-shoe addict can begin to announce the presence of a kindred spirit or two. My sense of unrootedness may be because I have placed too strong a demand on my environment and fellow travellers in life. Maybe I have been running an expectation that belonging is a spiritual process, to feed the soul, and is not just about joining the right club and being invited to lots of parties. Belonging at behavioural and skill levels for me is not an enduring place to be. Maybe I have focussed too strongly on external factors providing me with my sense of connection. Do I depend on people, location, or common interests to provide that grappling iron? Or does it all boil down, yet again, to feeling comfortable and at home in your own skin, and that personal acceptance encourages the acceptance of others? Have I brought myself back to the question that has dogged my mind ever since I was first introduced to it whilst firmly ensconced in my sty – namely Plato’s question, “Is it better to be a contented pig, than a Socrates dissatisfied”? Whatever the level of connection, belonging has a direct influence on my sense of Identity, and reflects on who I perceive myself to be, so the spiritual element is a natural extension perhaps. By default, I know myself by where I don’t belong. And I can evaluate my progress by registering where I now cease to belong. And so it goes on. I hope these musings and the entries in my Self Model have triggered some thoughts within you, which in turn move you to plot your own considerations. I am totally hopeful that there is so much more to add to this debate. In the process, I’ll gain comfort knowing I belong where I belong and possible access to domains where I aspire to belong to. And I will joyfully relinquish links with where I don’t belong. Having the wisdom to know the difference is the next project! BELONGING ARRAY: If you want to join in this exploration, you may want to check out Fran’s Belonging Array. You also have access to a Blank Array plus the questions you need to ask yourself. You are more than welcome to send in your completed version. For the Belonging Array click hereFor the questions to complete an Array click here For a blank Array click here BELONGING QUESTIONAIRE: And if this is not all, there is a simple questionnaire that you might like to fill in. You are asked to profile three events – so that patterns may possibly emerge – and then complete general questions. All box ticking so not very onerous.
To download the questionnaire as an Acrobat document
click here © 2005 Fran Burgess September 2005 |
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